*de-funking the funk. part 1: explaining the funk

its funny how much in this life we take for granted. you hear that phrase all the time, and if you are like me, you shrug it off all the time too. constantly being around the sickest of the sick, its very easy to create a seemingly impenetrable barrier upon which to surround yourself in and protect the shreds of decency and humanism you keep locked deep inside. (Please note the word seemingly) until very recently, i have been happy go lucky, enjoying my job, the people i work with and learning more in the past 2 years than i ever thought i could. i wouldn't say i took life for granted necessarily, i counted my blessings but shrugged quite a lot too. but when it rains, it pours. . . even in LA. and needless to say my emotional dams were not prepared for the flash flood that was about to take place

i must thank the picu @ chla for many things. it has been an eye opening experience from the beginning, from seeing a little boy get a new heart to watching children bounce back after horrific car accidents. but along with the good comes the bad. i remember before moving to california, a close professional mentor told me that the pediatric icu was the place where society sent children to die. having worked in an icu before, i understood this concept but it became increasingly clear after only a few days on the unit. throughout the 2 years i have worked here, i have helped with countless codes and unfortunately the trips to the morgue that sometimes follow. But until recently it had never been MY patient. that all changed one fateful night. i of course can't go into details, because federal regulations prohibits such a thing. the only thing i can say is, in the world of modern medicine, there are 2 types of codes, the expected, and the not so much. in the first type, a patient is deteriorating, sometimes slowly, sometimes not. . . but usually the code cart is set up, meds are drawn up, and it is a simple waiting game. the other kind is the code brown moment, where one minute a heart is beating and the next, it is not. my first patient death was of the latter variety. we did all we could. i know that for a fact. sometimes, it is just what happens. i don't know what i believe in in this world, but i do believe that.
under normal circumstances, i think i would have been able to process that. learn from it. move on. however, literally a week later, i learned of some devastating news, that a close friend had passed away in a car accident. no matter how much death you may see on a daily basis, it doesn't prepare you for news like that. our entire unit was in shock. it brought the worst aspect of this job slamming into our personal lives. to say it shook me up was an understatement. i tired not to let it, but sometimes, no amount of shrugging will do. again, i may have been able to cope with this in a reasonable amount of time but within the same month, my professional career received it's second notch.
at chla DNR (do not resuscitate) has been changed to AND (accept natural death). i remember when i started here. i joked and laughed at how absurd that sounded. but again 2 years of experience in a picu will teach you, there are undeniably times that a natural death needs to be accepted. do not resuscitate sounds like we stopped trying, or that we are giving up, accept natural death is just that, accepting. whether you believe in God, reincarnation, or nature, it stands true for all. this second notch was just that, helping a family accept their daughter had lost the 2 -year long battle with AML. while it was difficult to watch, you truly felt as though it was that little girl's time to go and she was ready.

any one of these experiences would have been difficult enough to accept. as i write this, i realize how much i had not truly "accepted" it until very very recently. i feel like the past month of my life, i had been living in a fog, not myself at all. i didn't know what it was. i know i tried to put on a smiley face and pretend all was well, but it wasn't. i now see this lack of acceptance was at the root of it all. my friend's death was incredibly hard on me and my professional life had only compounded the situation into the perfect storm. the perfect storm of funk. . . and not the good kind. it made me bitter. it made me hateful. i hadn't realize it until i was in so deep that i had no real way of escaping. i wasn't smiling. i was sleeping my days away, not having to feel. i didn't hike. i didn't work out. healthy eating and i got a legal separation. i was in a funk.

this all started a little over a month ago. it feels like it has been years. as i take a deep breath, i realize acceptance has begun. just writing this has helped take a huge weight off my heart. blogging, you truly are an under appreciated art form. now the de-funking may commence.

its funny how much in this life we take for granted. . .



"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

You did all these things and more Michelle. You were a success. I will sincerely miss our chats and your wisdom as we laughed and enjoyed the finer things. Your light, your laugh, your love and your smile will be sorely missed. Blessed be.