*de-funking the funk part 2: beating the funk

so in the past month or so, i've been in what some might call a funk. (see previous blog for further delving in THAT topic so you may understand this one) it's funny, in that not so funny way, how bad things happening to others force us to reflect upon ourselves and think about our own existence, reevaluating the path we're on. it really makes you realize how pathetically stupid, petty, and selfish we can be as humans, especially about the things that matter the least. for me, it's help me come to some very serious self realizations. i've been saying 2010 will be a year of change. . . little did i realize how true that statement would be.

growing up, my family's secret motto was "kill or be killed" which, while sounding much harsher than it actually is, roughly translates to "make fun of or be made fun of." we are fluent in joking with sarcasm as a second language. this is how we expressed love toward one another. there were many times when i was younger, long before i learned how to take a joke, that i would get upset because some one was "picking" on me. i was too naive back then to realize that no one actually "picked" on the family we didn't actually like. haha. looking back, i'm glad i had this type of up bringing. my home and family gatherings were never ever short on laughter and smiles. when i think back about my life and those i love, that is what i remember most about every member of my family, and it truly warms my heart. i also find that it is this quality that i'm most attracted too in friends. my closest friends have always been the ones i can joke with and, no matter what the situation may be, laugh with too. and for that, i will be eternally grateful.

but along with this quality, comes a side effect. a side effect i was not always so aware of, and, to this day, am not always able to pick up on . . . but some people are offended by jokes and sarcasm. apparently, some people were not raised in the same manner i was. maybe they're up bringing was a little bleaker than mine. but for whatever reason, be it not well adjusted, overly sensitive, or just plain boring, some people are just not capable of taking a joke, or handling sarcasm. which brings us to self realization numere uno: while i realize no matter how much this fact may make no sense to me, and quite frankly, upsets me when one response negatively to my signs of affection, i must deal with it. perhaps i'm finally learning to be civil, but i can not hold this against people. especially having moved to the west coast, where i find myself constantly confronted with more and more people who find my jokes and sarcasm rather abrasive. i truly am sorry to any that i may have wrongly offended, and will in the future try better to tailor my behavior whilst in your presence, however limited it will be. i've never considered myself a mean person, and never do i want to be conceived as one, so it is rather upsetting when my actions are conceived as such. *please note i even managed to keep all sarcastic comments out of that paragraph! i am trying! :)

moving on, whilst in my funk of funks, the first thing i gave up on was a healthy lifestyle (or the moderately healthy lifestyle i was living). and guess what!? when you do that, it kinda only makes you feel worse about yourself, leading to an even deeper and darker funk. after reflecting on this, i came tooooooo . . . SELF REALIZATION numéro DEUX!!! this one is a wee bit complicated. although i'm sure most of you will just laugh and say DUH! but please hear me out before casting your stones, because numero deux happens to be, that i am rather judgmental. (haha just let it out, i get it. i laughed too haha) while surface judging aside (such as saying this coffee is horrible or like my general hatred of fuzzy boots especially in LA weather) i realize that i've been using my secret inner judgments to completely sabotage myself in many aspects of my life. let's start with fitness/working out/diet and weight loss. while it's very easy to come up with any number of reasons to blame my general lack of interest lately in said topic, i realize that there is one main theme that keeps resurfacing over and over again. this theme. . . using judgments to rationalize my own short comings. haha comings. . . just hold up, let me explain further. when asked to participate in a half marathon, my mind's first thought goes to the idea of, do i really want to be THAT guy? that guy being the marathoner, the lanky guy with his fanny pack of water bottles wearing his short shorts getting lost for hours on end, never failing to run, always running, always training for the next marathon. do i ever stop and think how much dedication that guy has? how great it must feel running across the finish line after 26 miles? how much energy and stamina he must have to be doing that? nope! i merely contemplate the image that comes across. what about dieting, you say? same basic concept. on the many times i have found myself on a diet and/or been around those that have been, what do i find myself thinking??? do i really want to be THAT guy?!? you know, the guy that is consistently having to tell everyone "no thanks, i'm on a diet" and having to turn down delicious treats or social events that will lead to caloric binging. the guy that's more preoccupied with counting calories than living life? that's what i think about, NOT how great does it feel to have to tighten your belt one more loop? how is all the positive attention due to your new svelte figure? how great does your body feel since its not full of crap? and of course that person must be miserable and definitely not enjoying their new lifestyle. last aspect of this, weight lifting. . . i generally enjoy doing it, i always feel better after i have and love the feeling of lifting more than i ever had before. . . buuuuut, do i really want to be THAT guy!? you know that roided out idiot at the bar who's biceps are bigger than my head! the dedication it took, the sheer amount of weight that had to have been moved to get that far, the lifestyle one must live to keep in that shape. . . why would ANY of that ever cross my mind!? who's the douche bag now Adam!? i've been so preoccupied with judging and worrying about how i come across that i've become what i dislike that most. i've used all these things to stop me from reaching my goals, which makes me the biggest loser of them all. live and let live. i've always say i believe it, it's high time i start living it. maybe it's about time i become THAT guy. he clearly has his shit together.

SELF REALIZATION NUMER TRZY! (perhaps the greatest of all the realizations) I really think the population as a whole should start using the word "whilst" in daily conversation. that is all.

to wrap up this obnoxiously long rant of realizations, i realize i am who i am but i've just got to shut the fuck up, and do something about it. (self realization zahl vier) they say its not a destination, it's a journey so it's about damn time for a detour. it's all smokes and mirrors until i actually do something about it. in the end, i can piss people off, i can let them down, and i can even accidentally give them the clap. . . but when the lights go down, i have to answer to myself, and quite frankly, i'm tired of the excuses. you've had your funk and that's to be expected, but seriously. buck up already.

and as for YOU funk! you're going down.

"Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it." Oh Helen Keller . . . You MAY have been a woman. . . but you got the right idea!